Fuck Politeness

“I’ve been trying to prove to people I’m not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly,” the SMH article quotes Mayer as saying.

So in keeping with the aim of trying NOT to be seen as a douche bag, Mayer decided to tell everyone his penis is “sort of like a white supremacist”.

Yes…that’s what he said.

I’m trying to find the interview in Playboy so I can read it myself. He’s allegedly used a racial slur (which, hell if he’s happy to announce his cock is a White Supremacist, it would not surprise me to learn he’s capable of further racism). I’m at work right now so I may not be able to read the interview itself.

Oh…okay wow. I found it.

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you’re very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.

MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.

Well good job on showing people you aren’t a douche bag Mayer! Shiii-iiit!!

You’re an arrogant, stupid, ignorant, bigoted, racist, sexist douche bag!

Please…WHEN will stupid people stop trying to talk as though their own profundity WEIGHS THEM DOWN!??

John Mayer, I don’t think you’re a douche bag because you dated some chicks and then didn’t. I think you’re a whining little dick – I think your music sucks, I think you want to be seen as some profound thinker and you’re just regurgitating all the worst cliches and are astounded that the world doesn’t scream their worship of you for it. And now I think you’re a bigoted little dick. Stop blaming your COCK for your racism.

Ugh. This guy makes me ill on so many levels. Let’s close with this little charmer shall we:

I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops. It’s been so long since I’ve taken a random girl home. I don’t want to have to submit myself for approval. I don’t want to audition. I’d rather come home and edge my shit out for 90 minutes. At this point, before I can have sex I need to know somebody. Unless she’s a 14 out of 10.

Oh…no, wait. I accidentally read more, vomited a little more and had to share the pain:

PLAYBOY: At this point, what’s your ideal relationship?

MAYER: Here’s what I really want to do at 32: fuck a girl and then, as she’s sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she’s like, “What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you’re making me a spinach omelet? You are the shit!” So she says, “I love this guy.” I say, “I love this girl loving me.” And then we have a problem. Because that entails instant relationship. I’m already playing house. And when I lose interest she’s going to say, “Why would you do that if you didn’t want to stick with me?”

Because us chicks. We really do speak like that. And excuse me if I feel dubious that Mayer could give a girl ONE solid orgasm ‘vaginal’ or otherwise when he’s just so busy making ardent love to himself.

WHOA. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! STOP reading FP:

PLAYBOY: Why do you do it? (continuing earlier quote, ie/ WHY do you make the fucking omelette to make her love you if making her love you is a problem for you because you don’t want her love? Just her adoration?)

MAYER: Because I want to show her I’m not like every other guy. Because I hate other men. When I’m fucking you, I’m trying to fuck every man who’s ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say “No one’s ever done that to me in bed.”

So basically you’re saying it’s got shit all to do with the woman you’re in bed with. It’s some kind of macho (but oddly homo-erotic…well actually, not EROTIC at all, you want to ‘fuck them in the ass’ which is usually macho speak for I’m a raging homophobe who uses rape analogies as metaphor for the ultimate punishment) pissing contest? You’re fucking us as a vehicle TO be fucking your real goal – other men. For the real aim. To show you’re better. Than them. Than us. Than everyone. By ‘fucking them in the arse’ seemingly as ‘punishment’/assertion of hatred/assertion of domination and superiority. DUDE you have problems!

And WOW. Last quote I promise since my head will explode from rage if I read any more. Without further ado, I give you his disgustning homophobia…congratulations, you have won bigotry bingo Mayer!

PLAYBOY: Among the things we’ve read about you online is this: You’re gay. Have you ever kissed a man?

MAYER: The only man I’ve kissed is Perez Hilton. It was New Year’s Eve and I decided to go out and destroy myself. I was dating Jessica at the time, and I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can outgay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody—almost as if I hated fags. I don’t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that’s how disgusting this kiss was. I’m a little ashamed. I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long.

Yeah ALMOST as if you hated ‘fags’. You bigoted little piece of dirt. Douche bag is far too good a word for you.

Tags: celebrity shitheads strike again, how MUCH to you want to spew on this guys noggin?, John Mayer being a 'not douchehound', John-5-Vaginal-Orgasms-and-a-spinach-Omelette-Mayer, what a raging cock