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Fuck Politeness

“This is a revolution, not a public relations movement”

February 2, 2010 Sam in the city on ‘the orgasm gap’

I really should *never, ever, EVER* read “Sam in the City” no matter how faux-progressive she promises or tries to be.

Up front let me say I don’t have the time or the inclination to follow up on her sources and so to comment on those. This is purely about the sort of logic with which she compiles her random tidbits, gives it a title and calls it an ‘article’.

But I’ve got to wonder: of the women nowadays who believe they own their own sexuality (because they sleep with plenty of men and engage in one-night stands), who do they think owned it before? The men? Their parents? The local council?

Yes. The men, the parents, the church, society. Oh the local council oh hardy har har.

You know, despite the *tone* you even think she might inadvertently hit on a good point: that the ‘sexual revolution’/’raunch culture’ has produced abundant benefits for hetero dudes and some rather mixed blessings for many hetero/bi women: giving head to a guy WHEN YOU WANT TO and feeling you’re entitled to enjoy it *is* great – but if the ‘revolution’ (for hetero women only) *only* means that they are *allowed* to play to men’s fantasies all day and every day and that meanwhile the concurrent judgments on *their* character, and the character of those who don’t enjoy it continue unabated and with often disastrous consequences, well it’s less of a revolutionary revolution, and more of a repackaged marketing ploy for masculinity and blokey consuming heterosexuality surely.

So there is a lot to be discussed in relation to the ‘sexual revolution’ and women: the slut/stud dichotomy, ‘slut shaming’, the right to say ‘no’ – at *any* point, and have *that* be fully respected and deferred to, as well as yes, a respect for women FULL STOP, not JUST a respect for their desires and wishes when it happens to coincide with a particular male wish that she get on her knees and enjoy it. I don’t wish to be put in the same camp as Sam here – I’m no crusader for the ‘Good women bake cookies and keep their knees TOGETHER’ camp: I want a respect for women who like it vanilla and a respect for women who like it kinked to the hilt, respect for women enough to know that they all might like it in all kinds of ways/not at all depending on time/context/various considerations, respect for women enough to know that sexual desires and sex acts *do not define them as a type of person*, respect for women monogamous and poly, single and into casual sex, I want respect for women in the sex industry, and for women who don’t like sex at all at all ever, who consider themselves asexual and I want respect for gay/bi/trans* women, I want respect for rights to choose to *be* sexual at any given time and to choose *not* to be sexual/sexualised at any given time.

You’d hope that Sam would be getting into this sort of stuff, but no. It’s a bit of a rant about how the dudes are lapping up the benefits ‘from the club to the bedroom’ – ie/ all dudes are the same, all men exploit, all stripping is exploitation, all sex is exploitation of women, women ‘gift’ sex ‘to’ men, well Hey there Tony Abbott.

While the men are calling these women “loose” (not empowered), the women are failing to understand what the fuss is all about.

“Why can’t I have sex like a man?” they ask. “I have sexual needs too!” the women lament. “But I wanted it just as much as he did … so what’s the freakin’ problem?”

To Tony Abbott, virginity is a “precious gift” that should not be thrown away … least of all before marriage. But to the rest of the women engaging in casual sex, aside from swapping a slew of sexual diseases and feeling used and low the following day, there’s another issue that no amount of casual sex or “owning female sexuality” can combat: “the orgasm gap”, denoting the fact that women are not getting their fair share of pleasure in the bedroom.

Ok now STOP. You’ve lost me and left me in a blind funk of rage before you even introduce your topic du jour. Excuse me while I ask a couple of short clarifying questions:

a/ The rest of the women engaging in casual sex? Is Tony Abbott a woman engaging in casual sex? Or…well what does it mean?

b/ SWAPPING A SLEW OF SEXUAL DISEASES????? Holy FUCK lady! You’re trying to negotiate the flaws of the ‘sexual revolution’ and you decide that all women who ‘engage’ in casual sex are not only SLUTS, but DIRTY, DISEASE RIDDEN, DISEASE SPREADING MENACE-TO-SOCIETY SLUTS??? And you want me to take you seriously as trying to engage with an issue of the imbalance of power between men and women

c/ ‘feeling used and low the following day’. Uh…presume a lot will you? The only way you can assume that a woman MUST feel used and low the day after casual sex is if you think we are all the same, emotion over body, desiring a miraculous love from every shag, secretly wanting marriage and babies where we foolishly deluded ourselves into thinking we wanted to fuck.

So okay, let’s engage with ‘the orgasm gap’ shall we? Personally I think Lily Allen said it better (hat tip to WP and her choice of ‘It’s Not Fair’ at Hoyden Karaoke last weekend) and with much more space for complexity and nuance. It’s entirely possible to love someone who still doesn’t ‘get you off’ – and entirely possible that while you might love them that it’s problem enough for you to resent it and potentially move on – that it’s a legitimate concern to have. And lest I (or Allen) be considered bitchy and judgmental and ‘down on men’ the song is *not* about men trying and failing to achieve a female orgasm for their partner, it is about this guy just not caring about her orgasm – she puts in, he gets off, that’s it for him. Say hello to a frank discussion of ‘the orgasm gap’ – do we have to call it that? It makes me think about hiring policies and employees. Though where the scenario Allen describes is in play, some affirmative action might not go astray.

Researchers from Stanford University have discovered that, while the men are getting off most of the time with a big climax and a smile on their faces, the women engaging in casual sex and random hook-ups are being left without a happy ending (let alone a follow-up phone call!).

I’d be interested to see how much better the researchers found that women in long term relationships were doing in terms of getting what they need from men, but as I said I don’t have time to go hunt all that down right now, and anyway, her presentation of it is horrific enough.

As Paula England, a professor of sociology at Stanford University, recently said, “The orgasm gap is an inequity that’s as serious as the pay gap, and it’s producing a rampant culture of sexual asymmetry.” Yeouch.

(As a side note, I really think ‘Sam’ uses ‘Yeouch’ as a substitute for ‘I simply do not understand this sentence or have the faintest idea of how to meaningfully engage with it’).

Can I just note before moving on that it can only be seen as an issue ‘as serious as the pay gap’ in the context of FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS – I’m ALL FOR orgasms, I’m like ‘Go orgasms, it’s your birthday’ or something to that effect (sorry Willow for butchering Willow-talk). And it is indeed bullshit, and I think it does have major implications for sex, for (hetero) relationships, and (hetero) hookups, for heterosexuality etc, and plays into all kinds of serious stuff.  But really – and here I guess I’m broadening pay gap to include sweat shop labour/lowly paid menial tasks etc – you can still feed/house/cloth/seek medical attention if you don’t have enough orgasms, and it’s somewhat harder without money. YES – serious issue. But yes, undue conflation as far as I can see. Any counter arguments? Happy to hear them.

When it comes to returning favours, the women aren’t getting much satisfaction either, with the study finding that women dish out oral sex during 80 per cent of hook-ups, while the men do it back only 40 per cent of the time.

So what’s going on?

Michael Kimmel, author of Guyland, says it’s largely the women’s fault and equates it to doing the housework.

“Men don’t pull their weight on either front because no one makes them,” he says.

A/ giving oral sex is not always about favours, but can be intensely pleasurable for the giver, however B/ yes, I imagine in a lot of hetero relationships there is an inequality in attentiveness which is definitely not cool. But as to WHY is it a big mystery? Hello there partiarchy, male entitlement and the idea that sex is all about the dude blowing his wad. HOW THE HELL CAN YOU TURN THIS INTO A SUPER-SLEUTH ISSUE? and of course, without undue delay C/ OF COURSE IT’S FUCKING WELL WOMEN’S FAULT – IT ALWAYS IS FOR SAM’S “EXPERTS”!!!

But back to the WOTS. Owning your own sexuality and dishing out oral sex are all about choice. Of course no one wants to feel bad about themselves the following day when they discover that doing it like a man wasn’t as easy or fulfilling as they were once led to believe.

The solution?

By Christ woman! Is it (and I would strongly suggest the affirmative) AT ALL possible that the issue is not that ‘doing it like a man’ wasn’t as easy or fulfilling as we were led to believe, but perchance that doing it with particular men (and indeed for many women with men full stop) is not as easy or fulfilling as we are constantly TOLD to believe?

The solution? Well may I suggest a few – sex with women, sex on your own, sex on your own terms, sex where if the guy is REALLY gonna roll over once he’s ‘done’ that the deal is he well and truly looks after you first, sex with guys if you enjoy sex with guys with men who are NOT selfish bastards? Frank discussions? Ditching men who don’t care, since as Allen says ‘It’s not fair and I think you’re really mean!’ – see despite the slamming of feminists as anti-men, FEMINISTS can point out that NOT ALL MEN just ‘fuck’ you, come and roll over – that there are many men out there who are caring and attentive, sexually generous and secure AND that there are for women multiple options in terms of WHO they have sex with, how, when and under what conditions they do it – and hey, that’s true just as much in casual encounters as relationships I’d wager. I’m not suggesting that it’s easy for women to negotiate these things, cos ‘Hello patriarchy’ but I am honestly sick to fucking death of Sam insisting that a/ all women are straight b/ all men are straight c/ all men are selfish pigs and can’t be expected to *change* that…oh there are so many generalisations I’d be here all day cataloging them.

The one guy who suggests that men in this scenario might want to make some effort has this to say:

“Always call a woman the day after sleeping with her and make her feel good about having let go with you – even if you don’t want to see her again or she doesn’t want to see you again.

And just when you thought *that* was offensive – don’t you know, take time and care to ensure she enjoys everything as much as you, just call her cos she doesn’t really want orgasms, she’s just insecure and needs a call – you get to his REASON for the suggestion:

Don’t ruin her for other guys.”

And THAT is the fucking ball game right there. It’s not about her, it’s never about her, it’s about you, your cock and looking out for other dudes. Chicks are just the commodities you trade.

Fuck you Sam, and fuck your fucking ‘experts’.

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