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Fuck Politeness

This is a revolution, not a public relations movement

But you do. If you’re female. If you’re male you are apparently not ever turned on by her at all. So says Celia Walden in another outstanding example of why, on a slow news day, we should import articles from such stellar observers as Walden via the London Telegraph. Clearly no one on our shores could provide us with such shining pearls of wisdom.

For the record? I don’t hate Keira Knightley. I think she was adorable in Bend it Like Beckham, and found her hit and miss in Pirates. I appreciated the chemistry she and Depp managed to create, though honestly, male or female, I think you’d have to be dead or made of stone not to radiate convincing lustiness if Depp-as-scruffy-Pirate was standing cheekily, naughtily close like that. Amazingly enough I don’t think too much about Knightley at all, though when I do it’s positive/neutral thinking. She was great in Bend it Like Beckham, she’s in Pirates, she’s very pretty, elegant looking. As my boss says frequently of women ‘She could do with a feed’ but hell I think that about a lot of women in Hollywood, and it doesn’t engender feelings of hatred/jealousy/negativity. She does pull a bit of the ‘duck face’ look, (or maybe that is her face) but I’m a fan of the duck-faced look (Audrey Tatou has a bit of that going on and I find her endearing)

I also don’t hate Megan Fox (although I am, apparently, supposed to, you know, female jealousy being such a ravaging all encompassing, devouring beast and Fox being, you know, “hot”).

I will admit to be uncharitably churlish about Kidman…I think it’s that mincing school-girl thing she gets going every now and then. You know, the hysterical high pitched giggling-behind the hand routine on her way to marry Urban as though she was excitedly terrified that tonight she would Know the Love of a Man. For fuck’s sake lady, you’re forty, you were dating Lenny Kravitz, you MUST have had sex right? The jig is up. But that’s my beef. I like me a strapping woman, a Katherine Hepburn above an Audrey Hepburn you know, a Janene Garofalo, a woman who can speak in a Big Girl Voice and take up space/climb mountains/laugh and tell jokes. I don’t wish for Kidman to be hit by a truck or anything, but I don’t understand get why she’s held up a role model if she carries on like a six year old high on gummy bears. And if she’s going to yap like a chihuauha like she did in that one scene of Moulin Rouge, or carry on like a giggling twit then I have no interest in hearing from her. But hey, guess what – no ‘lusty’ desire to ‘know her’/annihilate her with my Powerful Female Jealousy. I just find her a bit disturbing/skin crawly when she *performs* a particular brand of femininity. (Whoops, had a ‘banana’ moment just then and wrote feminininity). But I’m also aware that she has bought up rights to feminist-friendly films, that she is (or is hoping to be) an ambassador on the subject of violence against women. Very happy to admit that there might be depths to ‘our Nic’ that I don’t know. But I just don’t care all that much, or at least I would be more interested if she would, quite frankly, drop the crap.

So where are we? Don’t hate Knightley, don’t hate Fox, don’t much care for Kidman…but this is so wierd! I am a woman and therefore I am CONSUMED with hatred and jealousy for ‘famous’ and ‘pretty’ women everywhere!! What on earth is going on?

Is it possible that women are not one homogenous group drawn to hatred of ‘beautiful’ women? Is it possible that this woman is full-of-crap and SMH might as well have cut and pasted the lyrics to Achey Breaky Heart into the vacant space for all the depth and meaning this article has given us?

The final sentence of Walden’s filler article gives me the clue that it’s not me, nor women in general who have the jealousy issue with Knightly, but Walden herself (which leads one to wonder if this was anything else other than self indulgent tripe):

Therein, perhaps, lies the problem: when Knightley stops seeing the camera as a mirror, we might start seeing her talent.

*I’m* not so sure Knightley sees the camera as a mirror, but some dude-friend of hers said she pulls the same face a female friend of his pulls when looking in the mirror and in the style of shit-house opinion writers everywhere, ipso facto, for Knightley the camera is a mirror, all women everywhere know this and hate her and Walden has diagnosed her problem. How neat.


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