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Fuck Politeness

This is a revolution, not a public relations movement

I’ve been pretty damned quiet over the last few weeks. TBO and I broke up a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been taking some time to lick my wounds.

It’s astonishing to me that you can know it’s time to end something and still grieve it so comprehensively, still feel so distraught.

I don’t know if I’ll ever not miss him, ever not love him, but the acceptance and getting by stuff gets a little easier each day.

I didn’t really have the time to take the time to grieve it but I figured I had better take the time or it would just be worse. I took a week off of study, I made social plans, I cried whenever I felt like it and laughed a lot. I went away for a weekend to play with puppies and be away from Sydney.

I came back and work is still hard, my brain is scatty and over tired, I don’t care that much about property settlements and research is a nightmare. My eyeballs are gradually ceasing to ache from crying, and being physically hit again with missing him, with that sick sensation of wondering if we could have done something differently can send me into a bit of a tailspin, but it is happening less this week, work was easier this week than the last.

I have a lot of support around me and I’m so grateful for my friends, my workplace, for where I live, for my openness to counseling and the availability of my beloved old counselor who lets me talk and figure things out for myself, for my ability to find joy and comfort in small things, that watching people laugh together or kids playing with their parents still makes me smile, for exercise, for my gym membership, for small comforts like blue alpaca blankets or hot water bottles, for my experiences of grief that model for me to just go with it, not to wallow or to get into bad patterns of thinking, but to allow myself the space to just wander around crying, to take time out and spend it enjoying myself, or napping, or staring at the wall with a cup of tea.

I can really see the benefits of the choices I’ve made about what is important to me, about the types of people I choose to hang around with coming into effect in situations like this: no hokey ‘Chin up’/’Plenty more fish in the sea’ advice (why would you say that to someone grieving a specific fish: they don’t *want* other fish in that moment), just tea and food, and love and care, and invitations, and trips away and to the beach and listening and understanding and empathy and laughter. My apartment, my room, my hiring a cleaner, my ability to say ‘Fuck it I’m buying that blanket as a gift to myself’, or ‘Fuck it, I don’t have the money but I’m buying those tickets to go away’ and to accept the comfort it will give me instead of denying it to myself because I should, or because it would be more financially sensible: all these things have made getting through the last two weeks easier, healthier, more healing than if I had let my choices be more dictated to me, than if I had lived in a poorer area to match my income level, or stayed on the Coast where I had no friends my age with whom I had anything in common, or not allowed myself the treat of going away/buying the blankie.

It hurts, but it doesn’t feel poisonous or destructive – it feels like a healthy ‘letting go’ pain. I think for me I am really happy with what I gave to the relationship and how open I was. I grew up in a fairly closed down household and I’ve had to work really hard to be open and trusting in relationships. This was the longest relationship I’ve been in and I gave it everything I had. I don’t regret that, and I can also see that it was coming to and end. I am pleased that I can grieve openly and not try to hold my pain to myself or pretend it isn’t there, or to fixate on feeling angry as I might have once. This person was an enormous part of my life – I have been in contact with him now for almost two and a half years. The relationship we had changed me: it allowed me to grow, to be more open and loving, to enjoy showering affection on someone, to trust, to relax, to care…and I don’t lose that just because it’s over. I can see that those things are abilities that I take with me into friendships and future relationships and things worth having in and of themselves. I know how much I love to love now and it surprised me to learn it, I always had myself pegged as cynical and sarcastic, but apparently I’m a total softie given an opportunity and I get joy from giving and from doing special things for people.

Anyway…that’s why I’ve been so quiet and why I probably will be for a while. My attentions are elsewhere. On making sure I’m good to myself and getting a good balance of social, alone time and rest. I’ve got a run of really difficult study related stuff coming up as well so probably all in all I’ll be quiet for another month.

All hugs accepted.

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