You will never guess what I learned today

February 1, 2008 You will never guess what I learned today

Holy Crap, kiddies, it’s FEBRUARY already!!

You will NEVER guess what I found out today (go on, have a try!!)…well, you know, I always thought that browsing newspaper sites was just an attempt at procrastination, but I am just blown away by how much I can grow and change by a quick browse, how much incredibly powerful information is contained within a single edition.

First, today, we had a story about…wait for it…a woman! Who found! A camera! That woman doesn’t know WHO the pics belong to, so the website is gonna help to find these people! I hear your questioning minds from here, but BELIEVE me! There is no more newsworthy story happening anywhere in the world today than THAT.

But, tucked away, hidden in the corner…guess what I learned??

Women. Are. All. The. Same.

 Today’s case in point? Well, courtesy of the DEAR Sam in the City, a discussion (albeit a very confused and haphazard one) of the fact that a survey found that all women want a man who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal (unsure of the spelling here, so going to rely on Sam in the City – danger-OUS!!). Gyllenhal to one side (we’ll keep him there for later fun shall we?) I am so surprised!!!

First of all, I am amazed by modern knowledge…how SMART are these people when they can glean from a random sample of say, ten, possibly one hundred women, that ALL WOMEN ARE HETEROSEXUAL???

The marvel doesn’t stop there, dear readers. Not only can these divine psychics discover this, but ALL HETEROSEXUAL WOMEN (which we’ve now deduced is all women) are attracted to the one type of man! Yes, I was as surprised as you, thinking that tastes varied (after all Lyall Lovett’s been married a few times, and well…Shane Warne manages to pull quite often…shudder) and that women had idiosyncratic preferences, or might indeed find a variety of persons attractive depending on whole range of variables…

But NO. We all, all the time, are strictly hetero, want one *look* in a man…AND…futher still…these incredibly gifted statisticians/seers have discovered WHO it is that possesses that look….

……………..drumroll…………………………….

 All de ladies, everywhere in de world (whether or not they’ve even seen a movie) want a man like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Now, I have to say, I LOVE a man who plays a gay cowboy, convincingly and sexily and with empathy…but, I didn’t know every woman out there liked that too.

I know, I know, I said I was going to write more theoretically engaged articles, but mockery is just so much more FUN.

So, not wanting to unduly sell Sam short, I should explain that was just the beginning of her article. The rest described a man confused by women. He had been seeing someone who said she really liked him and the sex was great, but she wasn’t feeling that *spark* or *connection*. Fair enough. He says he talked her into giving it another shot, but now he’s concerned there will be too much pressure. So he wrote to Sam that:

I’m really confused and have always been confused with women about what they want.

* What do you (if there is anything) to generate that spark?
* If there is no spark, can it be created?
* What do women usually look for and like in the first few dates (in terms of that spark)?

Sigh. You know, leaving all of this shit aside (dude, sometimes you like someone and they don’t like you. It sucks a pretty big one, but I don’t think it goes to proof of women being confusing creatures. It just happens) and perhaps I *shouldn’t*, perhaps I should write a *how to* guide since there seems to be such call for it. But perhaps next post…leaving that aside, Sam now goes on to pull her usual schtick of “Teee heee hee, how would we KNOW what we want?? We’re WOMEN! We like shoes and have periods, and we don’t know anything about anything, wait! I spot a survey! And a male “expert”! Help is on it’s WAY ladeez!”

So the survey contradicts the first survey and says “NO dummies! Not Jake! Tall, clean shaven, blue eyed, Mercedes driving (WOW that’s some specific mind reading – shii-it!) men who don’t play sport, quaff fine wine, attend the theatre etc etc etc…some kinda Mr Darcy stereotype. WHAT.EV.ER.

THEN she goes on to quote (eyeroll) Allan Pease. The next section is directly taken from Sam’s article, which you can find (if you really, really want to) here:

the real reason why Freud struggled to come up with the answer as to what women want, was because we tend to change our minds every week (or for some, every day) of the month.

According to Pease, during the days we ovulate, we want a macho man who looks like Russell Crowe, while the rest of the month we want someone who will stay at home, care for us and looks like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Oh, PLEASE Pease…

You know, all the FUCKING generalising about women *aside*, what really shits me about writing like this, is that it *absolutely* belongs in it’s context – it shouldn’t. The fact it’s allowed in a mainstream newspaper site should be cause for alarm and outrage…but it’s exactly the same dumbing down, simplifying, bubble-gum approach to news/information/entertainment that we see right across the board in mainstream media.

Forget political coups, natural disasters, elections, United Nations decisions, and a long overdue apology – front page news is a lost and found ad. Forget ditching the bullshit and saying “Dudes! Get over it! No one person is the same, there’s no five-step, failproof program guaranteed to get you laid every time, meet women, be nice to them, actually treat them like human beings, show some (genuine) interest and go with the friggin flow instead of determining exactly what you want and what should happen in advance, and sometimes she’ll dig you, sometimes she won’t” we have the endless regurgitation of the same old bullshit stereotypes, the ceaseless pouring forth of contradictory and ridiculous advice based on vox pops and pop psychs.

STOP IT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S GOOD AND HOLY AND GET A FUCKING CLUE!

I’m about to get my period. I better go find Russell Crow. (YUCK…do I HAVE TO?)

Tags: Allan Pease, dating, Jake Gyllenhaal, newspaper, Russell Crow, Sam and the City, sex, women

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