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Fuck Politeness

This is a revolution, not a public relations movement

On Saturday morning, first pee of the day, I had the unfamiliar feeling that I was peeing large, well maintained, good quality knives. I nearly shot through the roof. No questions, no doubts. I believe this is what they call a Urinary Tract Infection. OUCH! Holy fucking SHIT ouch!

So y’know, whatever, I’ll go see a pharmacist. I go for coffee with a friend, then skip into a pharmacy to grab some fix-it-stuff. I say quietly and apologetically to the very attractive man behind the counter…”I think I may need something for a Urinary Tract Infection” (giving him a good ole “what the??” face for good measure). He stares at me for a second then says disdainfully, “I’ll get the Pharmacist shall I?”. Good. That wasn’t at all embarrassing. Why not just approach him and shout “Well I had a lotta sex and now it BURNS when I PEE!!”?

So I go to the Pharmacist and we converse quietly – I stand close and I keep my voice WAAAAY low…WWWWAAAAAYYY low, for those of you that know me. Anyway, she gives me some stuff, and I ask about prevention, cos y’know…OUCH!! She says, “Well, it’s an eroding of the wall of the bladder, so no sex [my eyes get real wide real quick at this point] and no alcohol [they get so wide I think they might fall out] for eight weeks. There’s a deafening silence for a moment as I try to process this, then I think I almost shouted “Eight WEEKS? Are you serious???”. She got all disaproving for a bit, like I was gonna rush off, ignore her advice, get trashed and bonk the first person I happened across like a prisoner on Death Row. I convinced her I was taking her seriously and wanted to know, cos peeing knives is not fun in my book. I’m still in shock as I pay the second lady, shaking my head and saying “Eight WEEKS?” in disbelief and horror…”But…it’s Christmas!”. The other woman says happily, “This is gonna kill YOU isn’t it?” (that’s right lady I’m a horny alco tramp what of it?) Anyway, we all have a bit of a bonding type giggle over the horror of this unjust sentence, particularly given the holiday season is at hand, I call the pharmacist a Grinch, and I leave.

So, ha ha…funny story…except, EXCEPT, I looked on lots and LOTS of websites and asked two more pharmacists and not a single other person could I find that supported this. NO ONE says no sex. They say avoid alcohol, coffee and spicy food, and don’t drink alcohol during the course of antibiotics if they are prescribed, but the harshest thing anyone else had to say about sex was to drink a cup of water and to PEE afterwards. I can do that shit!! I mean this whole thing is a bit painful, so maybe you don’t want anything going on too close to the site of that pain for a bit, but fucking *eight weeks* is enough for me to reclaim my virginity I reckon. And it would appear that The Grinch sentenced me to this for no fathomable reason.

And I’m a pathological over-sharer, so now you all get to hear my medical woes. I think I’m also perhaps becoming addicted to the fizzy goodness that is Ural. Move over Coke I predict it’ll be the big drink this summer.

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