So I'll disco rather than waltz if I'm allowed to keep my autonomy

March 10, 2009 So I’ll disco rather than waltz if I’m allowed to keep my autonomy

Sam in the City reaches new lows every day. Sometimes she tries to *disguise* the fact she’s a retrograde, woman hater and an eager and willing tool of patriarchal bullshit.

Today she’s flaunting it. Male. Lead. Relationships.

Yep. What’s going *so wrong* in relationships *these days* (forget the stats about domestic violence etc) is that the man feels threatened and emasculated by the reality of a woman who works, is intelligent, has opinions, money and a sense of humour (apparently). It’s funny because they’ve been arseholes about clingy whiny bitch golddigging whores for years, but we’re not here to police consistency in the hatred of women! We’re here to ensure those uppity bitches get BACK in the kitchen where they belong!

Yes, is SCIENCE!!!! Sam says lots of “anthropologists” say so – is the WAY THINGS ARE and if we change it…OMG, lack of balance, chaos, disintegration, mayhem, bloodshed, death, destruction and the end of the world as we know it. But since she doesn’t link to/cite any anthropologists I think I will presume that as usual she can’t even use google and knows shit about shit.

But the advice, from Sam, from the ‘expert’ and the ‘random person’ is JUST STOP BEING YOURSELF. Really. Stop trying to achieve a nice, fulfilling and well rounded life. You will be WAY happier if you pretend to be someone else. Someone quieter. Someone dumber. Someone less fiesty. Someone less funny. Someone who doesn’t give a flying fuck if their needs are met. Someone one dimensional and boring. Someone who NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS him financially, emotionally and in all ways…who can’t BREEEEEEEEEEEEATHE without him.

According to Sam, men are total arses who only want helpless women who are totally dependant on them. That gets men HOT.

If you are smart, sexy, talented, capable, have a career and can walk and talk at the same time, you are likely to give your man Instant Erectile Dysfunction (and this is very firmly noted as not being HIS problem but yours) AND overthrow the cosmic order. See MEN are supposed to be in charge. WOMEN are supposed to follow. IT. IS. TRUTH. Like in caveman times ok? If we don’t do this, we will likely cause relationship meltdowns, the unhappiness of ourselves and our loved ones, *true* oppression of women, the total *emasculation* of men, and total irreversibly ruinous social decay.

Ok. Perhaps it’s because my man is Dutch and the Dutch have an unassailable view of themselves as really quite awesome and nearly always right, and the makers of far superior cocoa, but my man still manages to get it on with enthusiasm EVEN THOUGH I earn my own money and don’t spend his! EVEN THOUGH I have opinions and keep talking even when I disagree. EVEN THOUGH I MAKE JOKES!!! (OMG!) (Seriously, we are apparently supposed to ‘let him make the jokes).  EVEN THOUGH I don’t stupidly pretend every cool thing we do was all his idea. EVEN THOUGH I don’t play dumb arse manipulation games.

Cherry Norris, founder of Dating Director, concurs, surmising that if a woman is too alpha for a man (especially if she decides to project these AF qualities on the very first date), she runs a great risk of turning him off. “He could think, ‘This woman has so much going on that she doesn’t need me. I need to find a woman who’s more available to what I have to offer.’ ” Sound familiar? I bet it does.

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“In a convenient relationship, i.e. one in which each partner is equally respected and cherished, there must be some distance based on pragmatic reality,” she writes. “Two people can ‘equally’ disco but they cannot ‘equally’ waltz. A waltz is much more intimate but also much more dependent on each partner sacrificing some personal freedoms for the sake of the dance.”

(By the way, in case you think her theories are a bunch of codswallop, I do like the fact she encourages women not to be so picky when it comes to picking a suitable mate by espousing this little nugget of wisdom: “Don’t give up unless he makes you sick or drives you crazy. Nobody is perfect. If he’s 51 per cent, keep him.”)

Oh ok. So *true* equality is achieved only through the acceptance of inequality? Uh-huh. And Sam approves because not ONLY does she say women exist only to complement (that’s right, to be their perfect complement, I’m not misspelling compliment) their men, and ought to mould themselves, adapt themselves to that sole goal, but she ALSO says you should settle! That’s right…just settle. Don’t ask questions, don’t expect mutuality or meeting in the middle of the road. Just settle. For any random dude that doesn’t turn your stomach and make sure you’re Compliant Barbie for him. That way lies true happiness and REAL equality.

Here’s a little advice:

If a dude is *freaked out* because you have a full life? If he thinks that means there is no space for you to be properly submissive and dependant upon him in order that he can properly extract his dues? Then RUN. Flee, scramble, scedaddle, get the fuck out of there and find yourself a partner who LIKES women to be fully human. And then you get the relationship AND your life. You can have sex AND make jokes. Wowee!

So I’m advocating ditching the waltz, and the men who can’t cope with you making jokes and instead getting into disco.

Tags: fuck she picks up some fuck knuckles along the way, male lead relationships, Sam in the City, the comparitive merits of disco and waltz

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