‘He assembled 50 buckets of WTF now??’

I got tagged!

The lovely WildlyParenthetical has tagged me in a “meme” – it’s ok, I don’t really know what one of them is either…but *this* one involves me picking up the nearest book of over 123 pages.

I then have to turn to page 123, find the fifth sentence, then post the next three sentences. (I’m going to assume this means the 6th, 7th and 8th and ignore any partial sentences). I am bored with what happened earlier when I picked up a Terry Pratchet book and found surely the three UNfunniest sentences that man’s ever written…and since it’s no longer the closest book over 123, I will ignore my earlier practise run, and utilising the legalistic argument that I can justify this by the fact that THIS OTHER book which may provide more entertainment for this “meme” is nearer me NOW that I have my laptop on my lap and about to partake in said “meme”. Here goes:

Oh wow…this worked out so much better

Ok, you know what? I’m not even TELLING you what this is from yet:

He assembled fifty buckets of human urine, which he kept for months in his cellar. By various recondite processes, he converted the urine first into a noxious paste and then into a translucent waxy substance. None of it yielded gold, of course, but a strange and interesting thing did happen.

  Stranger than fifty buckets of urine in a cellar for months trying to make GOLD?? (This is actually what this dude (Hennig Brand) was doing in 1675 by the way). He thought “wee-wee” (I apologise for that idiocy, a bit of an in-joke w my boyfriend to start using the word “wee wee” in public forums to see what happens) could turn into gold…so he did the above. Dude could’ve made a LOT of jewellery if he’d been right. But it would’ve been kinda gross…and smelled funny I’d imagine.

So anyway, instead of creating his fortune as the local ringmaker, he…caused a fucking fire! From wee-wee!!

 So the next two sentences after the above quoted three are:

After a time the substance began to glow. Moreover, when exposed to air, it often spontaneously burst into flame

Now glowing urine that self immolates is kinda fascinating, almost enough to induce me to store a bucket full of my own in the shared laundry downstairs for a few months to see…except then I remembered the recondite processes involved. Now I don’t know (yet) what recondite means…bear with me…ok go here… wtf?? Even more disturbing now I’ve read the definitions. Ok…so assuming it means by various mysterious processes, rather than something involving it being back in his own abdomen after months in a cellar…I’m getting rather sidetracked.

Point is, right, I remembered the whole active involvement involved in turning it first into a noxious paste, then into a waxy substance. No deal. Kinda like a really, really disgusting play dough recipe…

So there you have it. Someone tags me and you all get to learn about some dude trying to make his wee wee into gold, but first making paste, then wax, then glowing stuff, then FIRE…this is a totally fucking awesome “meme” (so turns out this is an idea on one blog that gets responded to on others – which probably the rest of the world knew before me).

I don’t know so much.

So…now I tag five other ppl:

k. I like these ppls blogs, but I doubt they (at least the first two) know who I am…let’s see what happens shall we?

1/ A Lover and a Fighter at hobocamp (and my good god this woman can make me laugh hysterically)

2/ Um…well Bitch herself or M. LeBlanc at BitchPhD

3/ Figleaf over at Real Adult Sex

4/ Dredgirl from Fuck The Post Political

5/ And L from Editorializing the Editors

K. So…now what? What are the rules of this “meme” gig people? Do I sit back and hope they one day read this? Or do they click through to me when they realise ppl are clicking through to them from here?? Or do I tell them? I don’t know number 1 or 2…what then would I say “Oh hi…you don’t know me but I decided to play a game with you?” only wierd kids did that at school. Anyway, whatever, I’ll leave the meme process to sort itself out, I’m off to beddies.

 Sweet dreams…of noxious pastes and wax and self combusting “wee wee”.

 

Scoop of the year!

So I’m working on a scoop for you dear readers, I think I have a source who will hand over Brendan Nelson’s first draft of his “apology response” of 13 January 08.

Rumour is there were many drafts and Mr Nelson had to be talked down from talking straight bigot to bigots, but was eventually lured by the promise that through manipulation of language, imagery and history, he could be as offensive as he wanted to be, without being held accountable for his bigotry at all. “Mr Nelson,” went the pleas of his desperate and exhausted speech writers “we do this for a living. You simply can’t get up and say “Well, sorry, but you deserved it and more and let me tell you why” – but let us work our mojo…we promise, you’ll still get to *be* offensive, insensitive, racist and nonsensical, but you won’t be *seen* as that…it’s Australian politics at its finest – just sound like you’re being polite and you can be as rude and mean as hell!”

So this source is kinda nervous, but I think I’ll be able to get this info, I really want to persist, as I honestly think that seeing what Mr Nelson was *really* saying when you strip away all that babbling romanticisation of White Australia and White Australian history is a fascinating public interest story. I’ll see what I can do. Be patient with me.

Apology long over due

I really haven’t felt like writing lately, but I really wanted to mark on here (because it’s SOOooo widely read!) that Wednesday 13th February 2008 was the day that the Australian Government FINALLY apologised to members of the Stolen Generations.

For those of you not from Australia, or those of you from Australia who somehow still don’t know what happened, I need to ask you to look this up, to do your own research, because the last few days have been really emotional, and I’ve ended up in arguments with people I thought knew better – this is not going to become a forum in which I have to “prove” that the Stolen Generations happened, that they happened at the direction of government agencies, that there was deliberate cruelty and racism involved, or that we owe an apology. If you’re reading this website, if you want to engage with my take on things, then just be warned. My starting point is this:

This country (*as* we know it, *as* the nation of Australia) was built on a violent invasion, a theft of land, an absolutely inhumane view of and treatment of Indigenous occupants. Massacres happened and they happened often, at times at government direction. The level of cruelty and sadism directed at human beings hiding behind the ideas of “civilising” was sickening. We have criticised America and South Africa, but there was apartheid here, there was cruelty, violence and murder at the hands of the State, there were willful attempts at genocide, and later, at eradicating aboriginality by taking children with some white parentage, removing them to be “raised white”, to “assimilate” these children (ie to make them acceptably white)…we owe Indigenous Australia a lot more than one apology, a lot more than a refusal to engage with the idea of compensation, and a fucking shitload more than the backhanded bullshit romanticisation of White Australia that was the speech of the opposition leader Brendan Nelson.

 I am so unbelievably angry about his speech, so embarrassed to be in any way associated with it, and so painfully ashamed that so many people apparently regarded it as a reasonable speech to make. It was a horrendously thinly vieled defence of government policy, denial of the insidious cruelty that is a huge feature of our national history since invasion, and a slap in the face to Indigenous listeners by insinuating that then, as (allegedly, and I see no proof of this in the actions staged under the “intervention”) now we do what we do to “protect” children.

For a moment, for one tiny fraction of time, I felt hope as I listened to the Prime Minister – it wasn’t perfect (it denied the idea that compensation is appropriate, and it didn’t acknowledge the extensive kinship ties that meant that cousins, aunts, uncles, and many more people were as devastated as children and parents) but it was genuine and moving, it seemed to hint at a future whereby options were opened, where an ethics of respect, empathy and humanity had a place in government – and I stood rapt, listening to the applause…and then Mr Nelson got up and shat all over it.

If you want to support Mr Nelson feel free to go do it. If you try to antagonise readers here by posting your support I will delete your message without hesitation – this is people’s lives we are talking about, you’ve had your time in the sun with a government who treated Indigenous Australians with contempt and disrespect. I don’t feel bad in not giving you space to spout your bigotry – you have mainstream newspapers, talkback radio, eleven years of Howard policy and any number of redneck arseholes…you don’t need my tiny little blog on which to be a prick as well.

So what’s my point? I dunno. I wanted to mark this, it’s a significant point in history. I have hope for the future. And I’m sick to fucking death of people shitting on about how Indigenous Australians are under achievers, just want a handout, should just get over it. If you read the history, if you heard the stories, if you listened to Indigenous activists and read Indigenous authors, if you paid some fucking attention to all the massive things Indigenous Australians have achieved in the face of such overwhelming odds, in the face of hostility from the Australian government and public, you couldn’t possibly sustain such a stance of hostility and disrespect.

I keep thinking about this blog and what it “achieves” – nothing much really. But these arseholes always bang on about free speech. They get to spout their offensive shit at parties, pubs, in newspapers, websites, blogs, university lectures and tutorials, on talkback radio, at dinner parties and they want MORE free speech – they don’t want free speech, they just don’t want anyone to ARGUE with them. Guess what knobheads? Free speech means you get to SAY that, and I get to call you on your bigotry, I get to argue, I get my website in which I get to advance my opinion (hey, the result of study and listening rather than populist soundbites from government spin) and protect it from your crap since you get the rest of the freaking WORLD in which to advance your ideas…my blog is not perfect, it’s not even great. But it’s one tiny space preserved for talking back to bigotry

You will never guess what I learned today

Holy Crap, kiddies, it’s FEBRUARY already!!

You will NEVER guess what I found out today (go on, have a try!!)…well, you know, I always thought that browsing newspaper sites was just an attempt at procrastination, but I am just blown away by how much I can grow and change by a quick browse, how much incredibly powerful information is contained within a single edition.

First, today, we had a story about…wait for it…a woman! Who found! A camera! That woman doesn’t know WHO the pics belong to, so the website is gonna help to find these people! I hear your questioning minds from here, but BELIEVE me! There is no more newsworthy story happening anywhere in the world today than THAT.

But, tucked away, hidden in the corner…guess what I learned??

Women. Are. All. The. Same.

 Today’s case in point? Well, courtesy of the DEAR Sam in the City, a discussion (albeit a very confused and haphazard one) of the fact that a survey found that all women want a man who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal (unsure of the spelling here, so going to rely on Sam in the City – danger-OUS!!). Gyllenhal to one side (we’ll keep him there for later fun shall we?) I am so surprised!!!

First of all, I am amazed by modern knowledge…how SMART are these people when they can glean from a random sample of say, ten, possibly one hundred women, that ALL WOMEN ARE HETEROSEXUAL???

The marvel doesn’t stop there, dear readers. Not only can these divine psychics discover this, but ALL HETEROSEXUAL WOMEN (which we’ve now deduced is all women) are attracted to the one type of man! Yes, I was as surprised as you, thinking that tastes varied (after all Lyall Lovett’s been married a few times, and well…Shane Warne manages to pull quite often…shudder) and that women had idiosyncratic preferences, or might indeed find a variety of persons attractive depending on whole range of variables…

But NO. We all, all the time, are strictly hetero, want one *look* in a man…AND…futher still…these incredibly gifted statisticians/seers have discovered WHO it is that possesses that look….

……………..drumroll…………………………….

 All de ladies, everywhere in de world (whether or not they’ve even seen a movie) want a man like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Now, I have to say, I LOVE a man who plays a gay cowboy, convincingly and sexily and with empathy…but, I didn’t know every woman out there liked that too.

I know, I know, I said I was going to write more theoretically engaged articles, but mockery is just so much more FUN.

So, not wanting to unduly sell Sam short, I should explain that was just the beginning of her article. The rest described a man confused by women. He had been seeing someone who said she really liked him and the sex was great, but she wasn’t feeling that *spark* or *connection*. Fair enough. He says he talked her into giving it another shot, but now he’s concerned there will be too much pressure. So he wrote to Sam that:

I’m really confused and have always been confused with women about what they want.

* What do you (if there is anything) to generate that spark?
* If there is no spark, can it be created?
* What do women usually look for and like in the first few dates (in terms of that spark)?

Sigh. You know, leaving all of this shit aside (dude, sometimes you like someone and they don’t like you. It sucks a pretty big one, but I don’t think it goes to proof of women being confusing creatures. It just happens) and perhaps I *shouldn’t*, perhaps I should write a *how to* guide since there seems to be such call for it. But perhaps next post…leaving that aside, Sam now goes on to pull her usual schtick of “Teee heee hee, how would we KNOW what we want?? We’re WOMEN! We like shoes and have periods, and we don’t know anything about anything, wait! I spot a survey! And a male “expert”! Help is on it’s WAY ladeez!”

So the survey contradicts the first survey and says “NO dummies! Not Jake! Tall, clean shaven, blue eyed, Mercedes driving (WOW that’s some specific mind reading – shii-it!) men who don’t play sport, quaff fine wine, attend the theatre etc etc etc…some kinda Mr Darcy stereotype. WHAT.EV.ER.

THEN she goes on to quote (eyeroll) Allan Pease. The next section is directly taken from Sam’s article, which you can find (if you really, really want to) here:

the real reason why Freud struggled to come up with the answer as to what women want, was because we tend to change our minds every week (or for some, every day) of the month.

According to Pease, during the days we ovulate, we want a macho man who looks like Russell Crowe, while the rest of the month we want someone who will stay at home, care for us and looks like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Oh, PLEASE Pease…

You know, all the FUCKING generalising about women *aside*, what really shits me about writing like this, is that it *absolutely* belongs in it’s context – it shouldn’t. The fact it’s allowed in a mainstream newspaper site should be cause for alarm and outrage…but it’s exactly the same dumbing down, simplifying, bubble-gum approach to news/information/entertainment that we see right across the board in mainstream media.

Forget political coups, natural disasters, elections, United Nations decisions, and a long overdue apology – front page news is a lost and found ad. Forget ditching the bullshit and saying “Dudes! Get over it! No one person is the same, there’s no five-step, failproof program guaranteed to get you laid every time, meet women, be nice to them, actually treat them like human beings, show some (genuine) interest and go with the friggin flow instead of determining exactly what you want and what should happen in advance, and sometimes she’ll dig you, sometimes she won’t” we have the endless regurgitation of the same old bullshit stereotypes, the ceaseless pouring forth of contradictory and ridiculous advice based on vox pops and pop psychs.

STOP IT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S GOOD AND HOLY AND GET A FUCKING CLUE!

I’m about to get my period. I better go find Russell Crow. (YUCK…do I HAVE TO?)